What I See

I'm not sure what the future holds for me and the hubs. I don't know what our family will look like. Will it just be the two of us, the dogs, the ducks? Will there be little ones that bear our name and hold our hearts? Can it possibly be that maybe, just maybe, we will be blessed with a miracle? I just don't know. And this is a little hard for me. I am the type of person that needs...not much, just a little something, to help make sense of the mess.

For instance, right now we are in the process of becoming homeowner (shoot me). We have picked out the home we plan to set on our little piece of property. And while we probably wont be IN the home until fall...I can at least pull up the blueprint. I can walk up the hill and imagine where the house will sit. Through my mind's eye I can imagine myself in the living room snuggled on our couch with Johny--probably watching Power Rangers. I have these little snippets of real and tangible things related to the home, and these are carrying me through.

So for the past few months (since we ended fertility treatment), I have struggled. Fertility treatments gave me hope. I had charts and numbers and appointments and symptoms. When we were told that not much could be done for us, I started looking into adoption. I now have a pretty good understanding of how that works. But first, we need our home. So I'm not quite there yet.

With that being said, it occurred to me just this week that I do have an idea, an inkling, of what our family will look like in the future.

Johny and I have been assigned this trial for a reason(s). While I may not know them all, I do know that one is so we can pay careful and close attention to some very special kids who are not "ours". We have been gifted some really neat kids in our little circle of life. These kids have parents who love them and care for them and are raising them in the best way. But for some special reason, we get to be apart of that too. It is because of these amazing kids and their awesome parents, that I can see a glimpse of what our family will look like someday.

Here's what I see.

I see our children as being BRAVE. They will Break the Mold and Dare to be Different. I can picture a beautiful girl who loves to get dirty on the football field.

I see our children Choosing the Harder RIGHT, instead of the Easier WRONG. Like choosing to wake up at 6am on a Saturday to attend a church activity rather than sleeping in and hanging with friends that day.

I see our children being CAREFREE and KIND. They will be able to laugh and make jokes, and also turn around and say something so genuine and pure.

I see our children as having their mommy's SMARTS and their daddy's IMAGINATION. So that when an impromptu Rap Battle goes down in car...They can sit candidly in the back, letting everyone THINK they are just a book worm---and then finish their lines with the perfect phrase when vocabulary runs low.

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Trials come in all shapes, sizes, colors, times, places. The blessings that accompany them are as equally unique. My heart still hurts right now. But I can see how our time is being spent in The Wait. Like chaperoning 6am church trips that turn into Rap Battles. And going to football, basketball, softball games. Mentoring these kids to help them make their dreams become reality. Giving advice, and a little tough love when needed. And most importantly, catching a little glimpse of parenthood, before our time comes. A couple of these sweet kids have said how we are role models for them, people they want to be like. Little do they know, I hope and pray for my future children to be very much like them. 

We are so lucky amidst our hardships. I have so much to be thankful for. And today I am thankful for the kids we get to love, and their parents who trust us enough to be apart of their lives.

Dreaming of the Future--

Mo