What Infertility Has Brought Me

I've spent the day feeling overwhelmed with gratitude and a thankful heart. I thought I'd be able to write more about this journey, but I haven't been able to bring myself to do it. My feelings run so much deeper than words can express. The last five months have been nothing short of exhausting mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually. With each round of fertility treatments I have been filled with such excitement and hope. And with every negative test I have been completely taken over by grief and disappointment. It's taken a major toll on my heart. To make matters worse, the monetary affect this has had on us is almost embarrassing to mention. It's just been so rough. 

Yet, here I am feeling compelled to write about all that is good in my life. I have so much to be thankful for since this journey started in July. Some of these blessings are major, and some are so minuscule that at times they seem silly. But I feel it is so important to share what is on my heart with you. 

I've always known that prayer is something special. I try to always remember them both morning and night, although I often fall short. Over the last 5 months I think I have probably sent up more prayers to my Heavenly Father than I have engaged in conversation with someone here on earth. I pray in the shower, while getting ready, walking to the copy room at work, while driving home. My conversations have become so much more than "thank you for" and "please bless....". I have had really true and meaningful conversations with my Heavenly Father, and I KNOW he hears them. I know because I can feel a sense of calm. I know because He sends me a simple sign of His love in the most unsuspecting of places; a bright red heart shaped leaf on my window, with no tree in sight...or a hug from a friend. I know because I am His daughter, and He loves me.

I believe in friendship and the true goodness in others. This is new for me. Over the last five months I have felt a complete outpouring of true and sincere concern, care, and love from so many people. Facebook messages, texts, cards, face to face words or encouragement. It's been unreal. And it has humbled me. Every person who has reached out to me has their life, filled with, well, life stuff, they they have found a place in their hearts for me and my struggle. It nearly brings me to tears just thinking about it. It truly means so much.

I'm so lucky to have an amazing team of coworkers. These people have taken me as their own and help me in every way they can. I'm so thankful for the beautiful individuals I get to spend so much of my week with. Many of them have gone down a similar path and it hurts my heart that so many of them really truly know what I'm going through. But I am so thankful for their understanding and and support. 

I know miracles are real. So many people are praying for us. It has seemed that the hurdles were never ending and this journey would not end well. Within the last week, we have honestly experienced nothing short of an honest to goodness miracle. We chose to proceed with a surgical procedure to try to correct the malformation of my uterus. We felt in our hearts that this was the correct decision among a list of options. That was until we discovered the procedure would not be covered by my insurance (don't get me started on this). Not only would it not be covered, we could run the risk of having our insurance go back 3 entire months and deny anything they have covered in that time. Ouch. Needless to say, we felt we were at a bit of a stalemate. We certainly do not have the out of pocket cash to cover the procedure which sits right around $6,000. Cue miracle. My doctors office called at 645pm yesterday evening (bless their hearts for being there so late) and explained our options. As it turns out, for some unknown reason, the out of pocket expense with NO insurance involvement turns out to be LESS (way less) than it would have been with insurance. How? I don't know. What I do know, is the surgery is scheduled and we are one step closer to building our family. Miracles are real.

I'm thankful for my doctor and his truly selfless staff. Fertility is a very time sensitive matter. If you ovulate on Christmas, well, there's nothing you can do! And they will be at the office to make sure that you are taken care of. They are hopeful and excited with each new cycle, and they grieve with you when it does not work. They battle insurance companies, find the cheapest pharmacies, return phone calls at 645pm, and simply do all they can. I'm so thankful for them. 

I'm proud of my right ovary. I'll be honest and say that six months ago I knew NOTHING about the miracle of conception. Most people don't. It's such a complicated thing. I didn't know how important my right ovary is. Since it is currently the only one functioning properly, I pray with every ultrasound that it is behaving itself. Each time I see it pop up on the screen and hear the tech say it's doing well I want to say "Good job little ovary! I'm proud of you!". It may seem silly, but this is my reality right now.

Family is everything. And I don't know what I would do without mine. This is a difficult subject for even the closest of family to talk about. So instead of talking, some times we just smile, or hug. And that means a lot. Many who are dealing with infertility say that being around family members with children is hard. I feel the exact opposite. My brother and nieces and nephews give me so much joy, happiness, and hope. I soak up every minute I have with them. I find so much comfort from the blessing given to me by men in my family who hold the power of the priesthood. These blessing have brought me comfort and clarity in times of sadness and doubt. I know it's hard on my family to see us struggling right now, but I can only imagine the celebration we will have when baby Flores joins the fold. Family. 

I'm left speechless when it comes to the greatest blessing in my life. He loves me. Beyond my flaws and this challenge that I am solely responsible for. He hold my hand at each appointment and he holds me when I can do nothing but fold up and cry. His heart is hurting too, but his hope has carried us both so far. We speak openly about the babies that we will hold someday. We know their names. We know how much they are already loved. He works insane hours to accommodate my last minute doctors appointments. When I let my impatience and stubbornness cloud my view of reality, he remains my voice of reason and bring me back. I find myself looking at him and imaging his features on a miniature face. My love for this man has grown exponentially, beyond anything I ever thought possible. He is the most selfless person I know. He is my husband and he will be the most wonderful daddy in the whole wide world. I know it's true. 

Our journey is not over. We will keep traveling as long as it takes. We will not give up. It will remain hard. But as long as I can remember all of the good that this has brought to me already, I can continue to have hope for the greatness that will come. 

<3 Mo