Digging Deep

This week has been very interesting for me. It's had some super high, highs, and some really low, lows. As I write this I find myself looking up wondering how long it will take me to get back to level ground again.

I woke up this morning and started flipping through some old photo albums. Do you ever do that? Most of us have them right? I have about 6. As I look at photos of me in my early years I couldn't help but be thankful for my family and the awesome childhood I had. When I reached the teen years I was flooded with memories of friendships, heartbreaks, and all my time spent at a dance studio. Then I reached the chemo album and I was reminded of that time in my life. Was that really me? Did that really happen? And how the heck did I make it out alive?

 After the chemo album I opened up an book made by my best friend. It was photos from our senior year of high school, just after I had finished chemo. As my hair grew back in and my face started to fill out, my smile seemed to change too. The pictures from my earlier teen years look completely different from these "post cancer" photos. I had been through something terrible and it changed me. It is almost as if I can look in my own eyes in these pictures and see: hope, love, faith, courage, and happiness. 

I need to find that girl again.

I am struggling right now. A lot. My heart is broken, my faith is bouncing back and forth on a teeter-totter, my smile is listless. I'm sad that, for whatever reason, a baby just isn't happening for us yet. I'm frustrated with some of my family. I miss my dad, whose birthday is quickly approaching. I feel alone with some of my hardships. I am succumbing to this hard time in my life right now and I need to stop.  

So I think I'll take today and have myself a pity-party. I'll cry it out now and then. I'll be the clingy, needy wife that sometimes comes out of hiding when Johny gets home.

Then tomorrow, I'll dig deep for the hope, love, faith, courage, and happiness that I know I have. 

<3 Mo