Is there a better word for hard?

A few times in my life people have felt the need to tell me "You won't always get what you want in life". Of this fact, I am well aware. I'm pretty sure I didn't WANT cancer. I can't recall ever feeling a deep desire to be heartbroken. I definitely never desired to be where I am right now: in bed at 9:32 am on a Saturday, too worn from tears to do much of anything. Nope, this was never on my list of wants. 

Yesterday, after two week of endless praying, continually googling "________as a sign of early pregnancy", and the mixed feelings of excitement and fear, my beta test came back negative. Again. It's a tough pill to swallow. When the nurse called with the results she said something like "Erika, I  know this is hard. I am so sorry, please let me know if there is something I can do". Bless her heart. 

The hardest part is telling Johny. I have to break his heart over and over again. And while I know this is NOT the case I can't help but wonder sometimes that, had he not married me, there could be a little blue eyed baby of his somewhere in this world by now. It hurts. 

Telling family is also difficult because of course they are excited. And so I have the great job of disappointing them as well. Nothing about this is easy. It's just so hard.

Eventually, after I worry about everyone else's feelings and have time to process my own, I become a writhing ball of tears (somewhere around 5am this morning). Then the numbness sets in. And I feel ridiculous because it seems as if I am mourning nothing. I mean, I wasn't pregnant to begin with. I didn't have a miscarriage. There was never baby in my tummy, I never heard a heartbeat or saw an ultrasound image. I am grieving a loss of something that NEVER was. I think I am grieving what could have been. And I am not sure that that is "allowed". Is it? 

Because with every procedure we have, with each passing month, I imagine the end of the two week wait. I imagine a positive pregnancy test. I imagine carrying my baby. The one that looks just like his daddy. So, with each negative, it's as if that beautiful image is just ripped from me in an instant. And I am left with...nothing. I am mourn each baby that "never was". That is hard to explain to people. 

People who know me know that I am a woman of faith. I trust that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me. However in this moment, I'm not sure what I am supposed to be learning. I don't know how much more I can take. And I wish I knew what to do. 

Of course, I am well aware of the blessings I have in my life. I am blessed beyond measure. I guess I'm just waiting for that blessing, that to me, is the ultimate. And I am just not sure it is going to happen. And that is hard. 

This is infertility friends. I didn't sign up for it. There is nothing I could have done differently in my life to have prevented it. For whatever reason, it's a part of my story. Someday, I'll see the bigger picture but right now, it's just hard. So until then I will keep on #prayingforbabyflores.