I'm Back.

I spent all of Friday cleaning our bathroom and bedroom. Yes, ALL day. It was that bad folks. I emptied every drawer and dug deep into each cabinet. (If you haven't done this in awhile, I highly recommend it). It was much needed. For both the sake of cleanliness, and for the soul. 

Never did I imagine that cleaning a bathroom would be so cleansing for me, for my heart. I never pictured myself having a good long cry, on my bathroom floor, with a garbage bag. But there is a first time for everything I suppose.

I stopped counting after six...even though there were plenty more. Six old pregnancy tests. All Negative. I had tucked them in the back of a drawer.  Like hiding each one would perhaps change its outcome? Or that holding on to it would somehow be easier that tossing it in the garbage pail? For whatever reason, at the time, I kept them. And on Friday, I tossed them all with one writhing sob, and then a sigh of relief. 

After the purging of the pregnancy sticks, and feeling a little better about myself, I found a bucket in the back of a deep cabinet. One of those pink hospital buckets, you know, the kind you barf in. Yeah. one of those--sans barf, thankfully. It was, however, filled with other things. An old beanie. A saline syringe. Some nausea patches. And a pair those awful blue hospital socks with the rubber on the bottoms. Memories from my chemo days. And just when I had thought I had regained my strength from my "negative pregnancy test cleanse", I found myself once again with tears streaming down my face. After a few moments of the ugly cry I took another deep breath and tossed the bucket, contents included. 

I leaned up against our shower door and reflected a bit on my life. How did I get here? And where am I headed? 

It's been 7 months since I wrote here last. For so many reasons, none of them good. In short, I've been fearful. That's not to say that the words haven't flooded my mind, day in and day out. I just, couldn't bring myself to come back here to this place. This little corner of the world where I share a piece of my heart. Leaned up against that shower- contemplating life's twists and turns- I realized that it's time. 

I've come so far these last 7 months. And my bathroom eradication was the final step. I'm trying really hard to cleanse myself of everything that has held me back from living my fullest life. I want to be HOPEFUL and HAPPY. I want to live with a heart of FAITH, rather than FEAR. I need to see myself in all of my strength, rather than in my weaknesses. 

I have reached this point in my life after jumping hurdles, climbing mountains, digging my way from the bottom, dusting myself off, and pushing onward. Time, after time, after time. 

I have faith that there is SO much good ahead of me. Beyond my wildest dreams. I've made it this far, and have been blessed so greatly amidst my trials. I live a beautiful life. with so many promises yet to be fulfilled. 

And so here I am. I am back. And I am stronger than ever. 

<3 Mo


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