"THE" Post: Our Failed Adoption

We're Adopting!

That's how this post was supposed to start. 

I've had it saved in my "drafts" for months. 

In big bold letters, followed by the cutest announcement photos you have ever seen! (In my humble but correct opinion).

That was the plan. Our plan. My plan.

But as the story goes...our plans don't ever work out the way we think they should. 

To make a very long story short, here's how it went.

On the most normal of days back in August, Johny and I received a phone call that changed the course of our lives instantly. We had been sought out by someone wishing to place their unborn child with us, for adoption. 

After months of feverish action (fingerprinting, home-studies, lawyers, home buying, appointments etc.,) excitement, anticipation, name selection, periodic/sporadic spending on precious onsies and blankies, we found ourselves in the midst of last Tuesday. Only 7 weeks shy of the due date! 

Last Tuesday. January 16th, 2018. 2:15 p.m. 

They call it a "Failed Adoption".  As if it wasn't difficult enough, let's just slap on the word "failed" on there for good measure. 

With one simple Facebook message, our "plans" went out the window. She had changed her mind.

We would no longer be adopting a baby who had been growing in our hearts for months. 

The details don't matter. Or do they? I don't really know. 

Anyways, here we are. 

Here I am.

I haven't written here for months, because I tend to write what is on my heart. I couldn't come here and NOT write about the overwhelming feelings I have been swimming in for months and months and months. We wanted to keep the news on the down low...for the simple fact that THIS could happen. So I decided I'd avoid my little place here, until I could shout from the rooftops our celebratory news!

Or, this...

I don't understand why this happened. I don't think I ever will. And I don't have to.

I would like to be mad, but I'm not. Confused maybe. Sad for sure. 

I'd like to know what comes next. But I can't, at least not until it happens.

I wish I could describe this in a better way. The words don't exist. 

Someday, Maybe. Maybe Someday. 

We aren't the only ones who have been down this road. Sadly, there are so many couples who have been here. More so, there will be many that will come after us.

All heartache and confusion aside, I have learned so much in the last six months. My life has been blessed by this experience and, ultimately, this trial.

First and Foremost, I have learned of my complete unequivocal love for my sweet husband, my eternal companion, and his for me. In some of the darkest moments of my life, he has been nothing short of irreplaceable. He is everything I am not. He is calm. He is trusting. He is optimistic. He is the love of my life. And although I feel an immense sense of guilt in that I am the reason he is not yet a father, I know that we are partners in this for a reason. We are a team. And our love, as lame as it sounds, can truly conquer anything. 

Second, I am strong. For whatever reason, I have to be. This is my lot in life. I am also SO blessed, despite my shortcomings, failures, and trials. I have so much to be thankful for each and every day. I can also assert my strength to the support of those around me. If it wasn't for my family and friends, I would not be the person I am. 

Third, with the above as a bridge, we have the best support system. Our families and friends combined have showered us with love, prayers, and support from day one. They all knew the possibilities, the risks. They were scared for us. They shared our joy and excitement. And they have reached out to us, sharing our pain and heartache. Likewise, they have already begun to pick up our broken pieces, and fit them back into place. We are so lucky. 

Finally, I believe, now more than ever, that Heavenly Father has a plan for us and our family. I have seen His hands in every page of this chapter in our story. His timing is perfect. His blessings are disguised, but abounding. Hindsight truly is 20/20. Looking back just one week "post-heartbreak" I am able to see God's hand in all of this. I don't know what His plan is for our family, but I trust IN His plan for us. I know He loves me. And I know He loves you, too. 

This journey is hard. The road is long. I feel a bit like my younger self, playing the Oregon Trail on our ancient computer. You remember the game, right? One minute you are traveling along...heading West with so much hope and excitement! Gathering berries and hunting Buffalo. Then, BOOM! In an instant, a box pops up and tells you that your Uncle died of a Rattlesnake bite. Ok, so maybe that's an extreme example, but you get the idea right? 

What I am getting at is this.

This is our story. 

It's unpredictable. It's messy. It's hard.  And it's full of love. 

We are closing this chapter with grateful hearts; more knowledgeable than we were at the start. 

Our story isn't over. It's just beginning. 

<3,

Mo