Doctor Day

I have a doctor's appointment this morning. Just a basic check up of sorts.

I hate going to the doctor.

It's not that I don't like doctors, I love them. Without doctors I most certainly would not be writing this today. It is just that...I've had my fair share. Any time I have to go to the doctor though, I experience a rough week leading up to the appointment. Almost every night I wake from nightmares of being in a hospital bed, tubes attached, bald head damp with sweat. I dream of my cancer of old making a sequel in my life. 

Being a cancer survivor comes with its ups and downs. 

Surviving cancer has me scarred for life. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. I have 7 scars decorating my chest cavity and I hate all of them. Surviving cancer took more than 9 months of my life. There are gaps in my memory spanning over the course of 2 years. I can't even remember my high school graduation. How fair is that? Surviving cancer made me question my purpose in life. What did I do to deserve this? Why did it have to be me? Surviving cancer made me fearful. I find a bruise in an odd spot or a bump appears and I HAVE to schedule an appointment to ensure all is well. Surviving cancer makes me feel guilty. One of my closest "cancer friends" relapsed a few years back and would you believe that I felt guilty that it was him and not me? I felt guilty that he had to experience it again, on his own. It ate me up for months and months. Surviving cancer created a whole new playing field of medical mishaps. Surviving cancer is rough.

Surviving cancer has opened my eyes to the possibilities of this world. Surviving cancer brought me closer to my Heavenly Father. Surviving cancer made me realize that death is part of life. Surviving cancer changed me for the better. I don't even remember the person I was before Ewing's Sarcoma. Surviving cancer brought new friends into my life, even though some friendships must continue only in my sweetest dreams. Surviving cancer softened my heart. Surviving cancer makes me appreciate all of the small things in life. And I do. More than most people realize. Surviving cancer gave me strength I didn't know I had; a strength that most people will never understand. Surviving cancer gives me hope. 

So today, I'll head off to the doctor and endure the thousand questions about my medical history. I'll endure the blood draw that is so familiar and go through whatever assessments he deems necessary. Then, I'll leave and enjoy the rest of the day with husbandfriend. I'll wait impatiently for a week or so to hear the results. My nightmares will cease until the next appointment and life will continue as usual.

That's what going to the doctor entails for me. 

Happy Monday,

Mo