A Place of Reference, Not Residence
I need to get back to this place. It's going to take a minute though. For the past few months I have come here on occasion to jot down some thoughts. I'd start to type and realize that my first paragraph sounds like a thesis statement. I have to get out of "master's mode". The good news is, I graduate on SATURDAY! Can I get a YEEHAW?! Hey, thanks firiend! ;)
Anyway, this is my first feeble attempt at getting back to writing for passion and not for purpose. It's a hard transition ya'll.
I've been doing a lot of reflecting the past week or so. I've thought a lot about how I've changed over the years, and how I've stayed the same. Facebook has this little thing going right now, it's kind of awesome and painful at the same time. Each day you can see "memories" from posts you made on that exact day ___ years ago. Some of them are super awesome. This week I was reminded of my first year as a teacher and how much I loved 4th grade. I also got to reminisce on the first big vacation Johny and I took together to Jamaica! Such fun memories! Then, as I scrolled a few years further, I saw a glimpse of myself that I hardly recognized. Who was this person and how did they hack my Facebook?! Wait...that was me...
Have any of you had this same experience? I mean, wow. People I am telling you, some of the things I posted literally made me sick. What was going on in my life? And how did I reach that point? It angered me and really sent me in an inner downward spiral. It took me back to a time in my life when I was just really, really unhappy. I felt very alone. My heart was broken. My friends were no where to be found. It seems to me (the current me) that I just turned myself away from all the beauty that still remained in my life. How sad.
So for about a week I have anticipated these Facebook "memories", half excited and half dread in what was to be seen. Each day I'd start at the top of the list- 1 year ago, 2 years ago...and so on. The beginning would be awesome! Memories of my relationship with Johny, of my Dad, of my career. And then slowly, they would taper off into that downward spiral. By the end of the thread I'd be completely and utterly disgusted. That changed today.
<3 Mo
Anyway, this is my first feeble attempt at getting back to writing for passion and not for purpose. It's a hard transition ya'll.
I've been doing a lot of reflecting the past week or so. I've thought a lot about how I've changed over the years, and how I've stayed the same. Facebook has this little thing going right now, it's kind of awesome and painful at the same time. Each day you can see "memories" from posts you made on that exact day ___ years ago. Some of them are super awesome. This week I was reminded of my first year as a teacher and how much I loved 4th grade. I also got to reminisce on the first big vacation Johny and I took together to Jamaica! Such fun memories! Then, as I scrolled a few years further, I saw a glimpse of myself that I hardly recognized. Who was this person and how did they hack my Facebook?! Wait...that was me...
Have any of you had this same experience? I mean, wow. People I am telling you, some of the things I posted literally made me sick. What was going on in my life? And how did I reach that point? It angered me and really sent me in an inner downward spiral. It took me back to a time in my life when I was just really, really unhappy. I felt very alone. My heart was broken. My friends were no where to be found. It seems to me (the current me) that I just turned myself away from all the beauty that still remained in my life. How sad.
So for about a week I have anticipated these Facebook "memories", half excited and half dread in what was to be seen. Each day I'd start at the top of the list- 1 year ago, 2 years ago...and so on. The beginning would be awesome! Memories of my relationship with Johny, of my Dad, of my career. And then slowly, they would taper off into that downward spiral. By the end of the thread I'd be completely and utterly disgusted. That changed today.
Today I decided to read these silly things from the bottom up. I started in the "waybacks" and moved my way to the present. Holy Cow! What a freakin' difference that made! By the time I was finished with the thread I was looking at one of my favorite pictures of Johny and I together. Happy day! :)
To make matters even more interesting, I noticed a bit of trend! I can almost tell exactly when the flip switched. Not to get all mushy, but my life really turned around when Johny came into my life. My attitude became optimistic. Hopeful. Happy. Excited about life and not just "surviving". My family has mentioned this "change" that he brought into my life. I never saw it. Until now.
I don't think I tell him enough how much he means to me. So I think I will now.
Johny,
You are the best part of my every day. You brought the sunshine that I love so much. You are the story I always wanted to write, but couldn't put into words. I don't think you realize the impact you have made in my life. It makes me shudder to imagine the path my life might have taken if you hadn't made your smooth entrance. You truly saved me from myself by showing me who I could really be. You believe in me. You support me. And you love me. You saw me, in this raw moment of my life, and saw something desirable. I don't think I will ever be able to tell you what your love means to me. The best I can do is my best every day to show you what you mean to me. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for saving me. I Love You.
<3 Mo
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