To You, Beautiful Girl

I've been feeling prompted to write this for over a month now and have tried to shake the feeling because it's not something I really want to talk about. The past is the past and that's where it should stay, right? But this prompting has been so heavy lately that it has become all I can think about at times. I have come to the conclusion that someone out there needs to hear what I have to say, even if I don't want to say it. So, this one is for YOU. 

To You, Beautiful Girl:

You are beautiful. Regardless of what he tells you, or how he makes you feel. You know who I am talking about. That guy you are with right now. The one who is totally different now compared to when you first met. The same one who is completely different in front of friends and family, versus when you are alone. Yeah, him.

Sweetie, let me tell you, I know how you feel. I know what it feels like to WANT OUT, but being too afraid of the aftermath. I know how it feels to hear other people talk about "what a great guy he is" and cringing on the inside. I know what it's like to want to tell someone, but being too embarrassed to do so. I know what it's like to be afraid and alone.

Here is something else I know. I KNOW you are strong. I KNOW you will find a way. Perhaps you'll be a boss and just walk away, not fearing the future. Maybe you'll be like me, and wait until an opportunity arises to just slip out easily. There's a chance that you may not leave at all, and it's my sincerest hope that you find yourself in that journey also.

I need you to know this truth: He needs you, You do NOT need him. You build him up and make him feel good about himself. You bend over backwards to make him happy. He tears you down and uses you. You may not even realize it. I sure didn't, not for awhile anyway. But every now and then you may catch a glimpse of your former self and realize how much he has changed you--in the worst possible way. You do not need this. It's toxic. He is toxic. And you are worth SO much more.

I was in your shoes once. When I think back on it, it makes me so angry, and so sad. I get angry at him for being a mean person, and I get angry at myself for allowing it. It makes me so sad that I lost those couple years of my life, swallowed up in his selfishness. It makes me sad to think that others are still in the struggle.

I made it out. I was bitter, cynical, angry, and so afraid. Truthfully, as happy as I  was to be out I really didn't know what to do with myself. I had spent the better part of two years walking on egg shells and making someone else happy (often at my own expense) that I couldn't remember what a good relationship should look like, feel like, be like. I let myself get caught up in two other short lived flings; short-lived because they were exact mirrors of what I was desperately trying to get away from. I decided to give up. I came to the conclusion that, maybe, there wasn't anything more than that. At least not for me.

But I am here to tell you that all hope is not lost. On the most average of days, a light came into my life and allowed me to see the beauty and truth of love. It wasn't easy. Ask my husband. I was so jaded from my past that I nearly lost the best thing. It took his patience, love, and perseverance, as well as a reality check from my aunt, to see what was right in front of me. Because I approached Johny hesitantly. I was literally waiting for the mask to come off, the shoe to drop, I was waiting for him to be what I was used to. And when he wasn't, I didn't know how to react. So I pushed away. I closed up, and I made it really hard for him. When my eyes where finally opened to the fact that this, the way John treats me, was normal and wonderful and good and safe, I nearly burst into tears and ran into his arms and haven't ever left. It was a beautiful realization for me. I have been so blessed to have found love. Real love. Not everyone does, or will. When I count my blessings each day I count Johny about 30,000 times.

I thought that my past was far and long behind me. I've been married for nearly 4 years to the most wonderful man God ever created. But there is still some residual damage. I have a really, really hard time accepting a compliment. Probably because I was accustomed to insults or put-downs. I panic when I don't hear from John sometimes, thinking I somehow made him angry (over nothing) and that I am big trouble. Of course this is NEVER the case. I am extremely critical and hard on myself in every aspect of my life.

The beauty of all of this though, is that I found someone who knows the me that was lost for so long, and has helped me to find her again.

I hate looking back on that time in my life. I wish I could delete all of it but the fact of the matter is, it happened. And here I am. I survived. I am stronger. And here's the kicker:

Had I never met that less than desirable person, I probably would have stayed happily in Flagstaff, rather than moving home after graduating. And I would never have met my Johny. Sad Face.

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. I also believe that we do control our own destiny. So You, Beautiful Girl, I want you to know that it's not too late. This isn't the only option. And you are worth so much more. I love you, and someone out there is waiting to love you just like my Johny loves me. The RIGHT way. Even if it means just loving yourself, the real you. There's nothing better than that.

With all the strength and love I can offer,
<3 Mo