Growing Pains

I'm 31 now and I feel like I am still growing into adulthood. And this hood isn't easy living.

No one tells you what this is like. No one prepares you for this time of life. I feel, more often than not, that I am not doing any of this the "right" way. 

I find myself feeling extremely lost and unsure. I don't know what my direction is. I am unsure of my purpose. And I don't know my next steps.

Over the last year or so I have tried to understand me a little better. It's a pretty big task. Not because I am some super amazing person, but because I think I am still very much in the middle of finding me. I've put in a lot of work.

I know that my Love Language is Quality Time with Words of Affirmation coming in close second.

My Enneagram is a 5 wing 4. 

I am an extreme introvert.

My Myers Briggs personality type is INJF-T. (The "T" stands for turbulent--so there's an indicator for ya!)

The two words that drive my life and choices are Wisdom and Hope.

Is this what people refer to as metaphorical growing pains? Am I in the midst of a personal growth spurt? Or am I just...stuck? I don't know, and that bothers me a great deal.

It feels so tacky to say-like literally saying it out loud the words get caught in my throat. But I feel as though, my entire life, eventually I THOUGHT I would become a mother. And my life would have new purpose and meaning. So far, that hasn't happened. 

I believe, so badly, that I want to live my life for others, which sounds weird. But I mean it. I want to live a life that makes others feel happiness, joy, comfort, and security and most of all, love. And for whatever reason, I haven't received that opportunity. Sometimes I feel this and it feels like a punishment. It's heavy. 

So here I am. Trying to figure this all out. Hoping I am doing some of this right.  Trying not to feel guilty. And wondering when it will all make sense. 

I'll keep chipping away at my work. I'll continue to try to do better so I can be better. 

I'm on a journey. Will you join me?